The Dark Side: Fighting Your Demons
While Going Through Chemo

Once you get past the shock of your Breast Cancer diagnosis and you’ve lost several “parts” during your mastectomy, it’s chemo time.

I had read enough to know that the chemo would be similar to being abducted by aliens… and that there would be side effects that are unbearable for a period of time. However, there is one particular side effect no one ever told me about…

CRANKINESS

Sure, we’ve all had bad days where we’ve had a short fuse with our loved ones for no apparent reason. Yet, the post-chemo crankiness is an overwhelming, beyond the “Don’t Talk To Me” sentiment. Suddenly, I was a fire-breathing dragon, looking to scorch anyone who crossed my path. It was a TOTAL change in personality (ok, I confess…maybe not total, but not the person I wanted to be for sure.)

Wow… who knew? I’m not sure where this feeling is coming from and why it is lasting so long. Yes, there are physical side effects – pain in your joints and fingers, the swelling of your tongue, headaches and migraines, sweats and fever, insomnia, nausea, baldness, and countless other symptoms – but, in my experience, that only lasted three or five days after the first few chemo sessions (much longer but less intense in the last few sessions.) It’s understandable to be cranky during those days and the day before each session (when they give you the “cranky” steroid pills, as I call them.) Heck, when you are in pain, you’re allowed to be cranky.

However, I am noticing that this is going on way longer than just those days… and, frankly, I’m worried that this might be who “the real Sandy” is. Am I this miserable person that can’t hold a conversation without breathing fire?  Am I really someone who is so short-tempered, who lacks patience and who reacts instinctively with nastiness? Will this linger for the rest of my life?!

Is Chemo A Lonely Place…

Admittedly, I really wanted to be left alone during the entire chemo saga. I wanted to get through it on my own. I didn’t want to be surrounded by anyone – not survivors, not family, not friends – no one but myself (and well, a food delivery and cleaning service! Neither of which I had, but a girl can dream.) To me, chemo seemed like such a personal thing. My isolation had nothing to do with the fact that I was bald or didn’t look like”myself” — but rather, it was that I didn’t want to expose anyone to my negative attitude and then feel guilt for how I’d treated others.

I’ve finished my chemo treatments now. It’s been 3-weeks but the “side effect period” has not fully passed, but when it does… will a new and improved “Sandy” come out to play? Will I feel happier and more like myself? Or will these inner demons make permanent residency inside me? I will keep you updated on this topic and will most likely do a video within a few months.

Finding Happiness NOW…

For now, there are several things we can do to improve our mood. I’ve read that a lot of people recommend getting different medication cocktails to alter hormone levels, but that’s not for me. I am more into the healthy, holistic methods of healing.

So, first, I’m thinking of picking up a couple of books such as…

• Be Happy Now by Annie Jean Brewer
• The Cancer Survivor’s Companion: Practical Ways to Cope with Your Feelings After Cancer by Frances Goodhart and Lucy Atkins
• Spontaneous Happiness by Dr. Andrew Weil

Every day, try to read a few passages to lighten your mood.  If you’ve read them, let me know what you think.

Perhaps invest in a “Warning: Chemo Crankiness” outfit to wear to warn those around me I’m not having the greatest day. This would show others I do still have a sense of humor and hopefully would buy me a little extra understanding.

Other things that survivors have told me could improve our mood include:

• Deep breathing – With the help of a guidance audiobook, of course!
• Listening to music – There are many CDs made especially for chemo patients and therapy.
• Drinking green tea – The amino acid Theanine in green tea promotes relaxation.
• Keeping a journal – Rather than talk about all the negatives, try to track positive thoughts in a journal. Talk about all the people your thankful for or record favorite memories. This becomes a “happy place” to come back to whenever you’re feeling irascible.
• Getting a massage – I’m beginning to open up to the tremendous physical and mental effects a massage can have. (However, if you had lymph nodes removed, I was told to find an oncology massage therapist. They must have training in lymph drainage or you may increase the chances of lymphedema.) You may want to look into Reiki treatments as well.
• Finding my center – Some people find that going to church or place of worship makes them feel calm and spiritual.
• Talking to someone – To avoid “downloading” on those you love, find a psychotherapist with a specialty in cancer patients who can help you through those dark days. (I will share my experience with you, when I find someone.)
• Reminding yourself of reality – Occasionally, I have to remind myself that we’re not plastered in pink ribbons. People may not always be thinking of our cancer treatments. They may not understand how we are feeling at all. Learn to give others the benefit of the doubt and take time to patiently explain what is going on within us if appropriate…or try to politely walk away.

Hopefully some of these strategies can help you too.

I’m sending you hugs, until next time…

Sandy

 

Topics:

Chemotherapy

Emotional Effects of Chemo

Crankiness from Chemo

Breast Cancer

Chemo

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